This blog has taken me nearly a YEAR to write as I got sidetracked by a lot of personal issues. I was plagued by horrible procrastination and somehow could not force myself to even log on here. As I find myself graduated from school with no real direction of what I want to do, I find myself feeling scared and vulnerable, and afflicted this phenomena known as 'imposter syndrome'. After 16 years of schooling, and might I add excelling in it, it feels like the only thing I know how to do, and do well in, is school. My insecurities nag deep in my brain, telling me that the only thing I can be successful in is getting straight A's, keeping up a 4.20 GPA, winning scholarships, awards, and Dean's lists. I feel as though my successes in school cannot translate in any 'real world' job, and as I read job description after job description, I quickly ask myself how can I possibly succeed in these jobs in which I feel I have no prior experience, and even if I do, I tell myself that it's not enough. I discourage myself from the job before even pressing the apply button.
I read somewhere that men are most likely to apply for jobs even when they are not nearly close to being qualified, yet they still get them, and that women are much less likely to do so. Perhaps I have suffering from the afflictions of merely being a woman, or perhaps it is because I am the biggest overthinker with my mind constantly working on overdrive which leads me to constantly doubt myself. At the same time, I get mad at myself. I feel as though I did everything right. I spent my teen years volunteering hundreds of hours in order to get into a prestigious university, and spent my university years joining multiple clubs, being on executive teams, in order to then graduate and find myself a job. I joined a sorority because I was told that the networking opportunities would be endless. Yet here I am, still looking for a job while others around me who did not do those things seem to be succeeding.
Why does no one tell us how difficult the period after graduating is? When imagining my graduated life, I pictured myself in my own apartment, either in Vancouver or somewhere in Europe, working in a job I love probably somewhere in fashion or marketing, or something cool and sexy, going out on nice trips surrounded by a supportive friend group. Maybe my expectations were just way too high-but I always imagined myself in these scenarios living the most amazing life because I felt that if I thought about it enough, I would ensure I would get there. Yet here I sit, in my room in my parent's house, feeling depressed and having an existential crisis.
I feel stuck. I feel like an imposter.